Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
