if only i could text you this smell
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
