How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
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Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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