Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
