I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
