I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
