I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
