hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
