dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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