i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
