90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
