I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
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Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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