i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
