Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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