Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a search helicopter?!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
