I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
