its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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