Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
