I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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