it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
