Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
