i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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