i permit you to call me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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