evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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