I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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