she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
