Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
