I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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