apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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