God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
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I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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