are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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