The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
