I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
