So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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