How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
