so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In America we eat man semen.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
