Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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