I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
