I skipped work to stalk him.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
