I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
