I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
