can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
