I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
