i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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