I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
