I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
