we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
