Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
