yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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