I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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