hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
