4 words: hood of his car
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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