the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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