whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
