Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
