My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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