get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
